Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Topic Of The Day: Change

not a lot of people know me on a personal level. cuz i choose my peers wisely. i actually a really private person cuz i dont really trust people. i only let some people in my circle of friends cuz i really dont see the point in having thousands of friends but none of them are real. so for those who are in my circle of friends i hope u appreciate my friendship hehe. once you're in it you can bet that i will a great friend to you hopefully hehe.. so not a lot of people really know who i am as a person.
most people know me on the internet as this weird kid, with wild hair and stuff. but not a lot of people know my personality, my story or anything about me besides that.
since last year, people started to see a lot of change in me, like i've became more quiet on the internet, about how i look now and stuff, and they all ask why have i change so much.
well if you must know, first of all i must tell you a little bit about my life story ehhe(warning: this is going to be a long story, if you are too lazy to read then stop here.)LOL
i was born with 3 sibs(at da time cuz later my parents decided to make another baby which was my little brother). when i was little, i was da black sheep of the family, cuz i had fairer skin and small Chinese like eyes which is much different that my sibs. i was the only who looked like that, so i was teased a lot growing up, n since i was the smallest my elder sibs always bullied me. it kinda screwed me a bit cuz it made me feel like such an outcast and it hurts.
then to be graced with a sister that had it all, was tough. i was like the Ashlee Simpson and she was Jessica. she got it all, i was always just her shadow. she was my mothers fav and i was 2nd best.
then came my little brother, he was the cutest little baby ever, and he was the new baby, so i didnt got much attention as a kid. i think these effect me a lot as i was growing up then i thought.
cuz as i move on to being a teenager, i started to be a little rebellious cuz i dont want people to bully me like my sibs and i want people to know i am not a person to mess with and i dress the part to cuz ever since i was little i wear according to how i feel to show my personality. so since i was so gloomy and sad i dress so dark and weird cuz thats how i felt.
and i was really a loner growing up cuz i dont have much confidence to talk to people cuz i was so scared.
this was me when i was 14-15 i guess.

i was a very insecure kid cuz i was told most of my life that i was the ugly duckling in the family cuz i was different. n as i got to sekolah menegah, i was like the 3rd generation of my family who went to school there ( sekolah menegah kebangsaan tunku besar tampin). since my brother and sister had been there and they all was popular, so when i entered people know me just solely as a brother or sister of.............. it sucks cuz i am my own person, not just a baby sister to them, and i guess i started to build my own personality based on that to show people i am a somebody not just a lil sister to them.. and i just dont like to be the same as anyone else, i always know that i was weird, n i hated to blend in with people, and how i dress and the things that i am into not much people really understand so i guess thats why i dont have much friends that i could click with. but i was okay, cuz i rather be alone or an outcast then to blend in with everyone just to fit in.
i started dying my hair since i was 13. it became part of my life cuz it sets me free. i dye my hair not cuz i wanna look coll but i guess i did it cuz its who i am..hahah i dont know but it just is what it is. and i really cant remember how many time i had dyed my hair but the first time, it was blue streaks. it was awesome haha..

now even i still wanna dye my hair, im thinking about purple, but people keep saying shit like ur too old for that or whatever, but please its my hair im gonna do watever i want with it hahaha age got ntg to do with it ay all.
but now i just gonna let my hair rest for a while, thats y i dont dye it anymore.
i change myself from being siti nadihah to andi zephyr, and that helped me shed the little sister status and became my own person.
at the time i was a very gloomy kid, i dress like that cuz that is how i was. i surround myself with things like that. and back then i only wear black cuz it reflects my personality. i was also the kind of person who afraid to step out of my comfort zone, if something suits me i will stick to it forever. i also got tons of piercings cuz i thought it makes me look though n it goes well with my crazy outfits hahah.
but being different have its downs, i was teased and verbally bullied by peers in school and also in university.  one guy even spit on my face one(but he missed) n said i was a disgrace to my own race one time hahahah.. but i guess i gotta say i was pretty tough back then cuz i didnt let anyone to get under my skin, i just brush them off and smile. it hurts though but i try not to let it burn my spirit..hahaha i was weird as hell ahhah
 n since i started creating this whole new persona that is andi zephyr, i stick to it for a while until i turned 20.
when i was 20, i started to see life in a different way. not cuz of my age, but my epiphany began when i stop blaming my childhood, my past, n everything that i think that had mold me into being this weird little kid whos seeking attention. n slowly start to build a life that is much happier, and free from fear and anything like that. cuz i realize that life is short, why should i spend it dwelling in my past and keep my self restrict from things like going out, talking to people n stuff like that( i am claustrophobic and have some anxiety problems, thats why i cant face people or be in places that is uncomfortable for me) those fears kept me from being free and i think it confined me from doing certain things like going to gigs(which i always want to go but i cant cuz i was so afraid), concerts or stuff like that. and when i look back on my past 20 years of life on this earth, i felt like i havent done much, so since then i build myself again, based on a more realistic reason then to just wanna be an individual, but now i just wanna aim to be a more happier person til the end of my life. again i start of with how i look, i lessen my makeup to a more simple type of makeup, cuz now im much comfortable with the way i look and start to embrace my ugliness and try to just accept who i am not to just hide it under thick makeup, i start to wear cloths thats much more colorful, fun and show off my fun personality that i hide all these years, n i took off all of my piercings cuz i just dont seems to find a good reason to wear them anymore. besides cloth, i also change how i think about the world, i start to see things on the bright-side, be much more open to new things, be more positive, start to build up my confidence in myself, and i overcame all my fears cuz i dont want them to bring me down and stop me from experiencing life!! to be honest i am much more happier now than i was back then, even though more people preferred the old me( the kid with crazy hair n makeup) but to me who i am now is much better and i love myself now haha n i hope to those who thinks im better as i was before,  i hope u understand that people change n sometimes for the better and accept me then n now, cuz i am the same person just the exterior is a bit different and much happier i guess ehehe.. cuz im sure all of you will change one day too.. and if u r really my friend you would understand my situation.
my recent pics:

i know some people talk about me and stuff without knowing the real me, but i hope to those people, if you wanna talk about me get to know me first, then judge, cuz you dont know my story.
i write this not to as for pity or anything i just wanna share my story, n get some facts straight to people who ask me stuff about my change and to people who talk shit about me. haha
i just want people to know im happier like this so i hope you are happy too have a nice day:D


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. this is inspiring, i actually knew you from qiqi's myspace back then..that was a long time ago and i'm not sure if qiqi remembers me anyway
    haha cause you guys got a tons of friends. can't believe you're the actual andi do change a lot.
    plus i like your blog, and this explains that you're different than any other teenagers here in malaysia which makes you awesome.
    i delete my previous comment because of the massive typo i just noticed. sorry.


    1. hai dear, tanx for your comment. i really do appreciate it and also for reading my blog. but im sorry to tell you that this blog was hacked a few months back. so if you are interested to reading my new post you can check them out on my new page
      but in all honesty i really appreciate your comment it means a lot to me:> have a nice day n dont forget to follow my new blog:>