Tuesday, January 24, 2012

emo-ing out

 most of you guys who knows me knows that i am the kind of person who doesnt like to talk about my personal life too much,let alone to share it on my blogger for everyone to see..but i am also the kind of person who always keep my problems to myself and let it bottled up in me and sometimes it feels like im carrying a big burden on my chest n i just need to let it out..
i hope to the person whom i am addressing this post too wont get offended cuz i had done too much of that till it ended up in a big fight, but if you read this, see this as me trying to express my true feelings that i never got to do before and i hope you will understand it and accept it..

i am the kind of person who will do anything for the people i love,no matter if that person in my friends,my boyfriend,my family or just total stranger.. sometimes i love people more than i love myself but ultimately most of those people i love doesn't treat the way that i do..it hurts me cuz i have always been the kind of person that everyone steps over cuz i am too nice too people and sometimes it would be nice if someone just appreciate me the way that i do for them..

lately my life had been going through a roller coaster ride that the trail had broken and it leaves me flying into the air and at the edge of danger and i need a life saver like a parachute or something to brake my fall but it seems like none of it will save my life cuz they had abandon me at the last minute,when i need them the most..

being up there flying into nowhere and with these life savers are abandoning me are making me develop feelings that i never thought i would ever felt towards a person and it is also is morphing me into being a person that i never was before, cuz suddenly i became very angry,very fragile,vulnerable,insecure and crazy cuz i dont have those life savers to help me to contain myself..so i became this monster that cant control herself..

i just need someone to make me feel ok again,and make me feel like myself again and help me from falling and potentially from losing my life because of the fall..but it seems like the people i count on the most are the ones who let me down the hardest and the people whom i dont pay attention to, are the ones who had now became my hero..

all i want to say is that i just want you to appreciate me as a person who loves you,and treat me like how i treat you..you say im being such a drama queen for being too touchy feely about something that you said and thats whats triggered you to says what you had said on you social network but that not the point..i was sad about what you wrote because it came from you..the person who i love the most and i always puts first before anyone..and i was pissed cuz it had happened before and for you to do it again and not to consider my feelings what so ever that really hurts me..maybe you didn't actually hurt me physically but god damn it-it feels like a thousand blades had just pierced through my heart again and again..it hurts me more that you are saying these things when you dont even try to understand my condition..yes i am talking like a liar cuz i keep changing my mind cuz the decisions that i have to make is not as simple as it looks like..unlike you,if you change your mind you could just find another and build a new relationship and be happy but its not like that at all for me..cuz i have other things to consider too..and the decisions that i am forced to make are making me more and more miserable everyday and i just hope you would be there for me by side helping me out,but it as it turns out you end up judging me and saying stuff like i cant think them for myself like im such an idiot..it hurts me so bad that i spent 2 whole days crying and thank god in all of that drama a person who i didn't expect to be there for me helped me out and make me feel better for a while..why cant you be that for me??and while all this is happening i thought you would just forget about it and start fresh,but no..cuz when i turned on my fb a few days ago i found out that you and blocked me..do you know how that makes me feel???!! it makes me feel like everything that i have ever done to you means nothing..like i am just another person that you could just replace with a touch of a button..it makes me feel like im usless..not to brought up an old story but i let my mom beat me like hell and locked me in my room for you, i take you anywhere if you want to, i put you first before anyone else even myself, anything you want i will buy it for you, and if you don't like me to be friends with someone i rather not have a friend but to lose you..but when you do that it is just so clear that you dont feel the same as i do..cuz you throw me out like a piece of garbage..and that hurt me the most..okay i admit i was wrong for talking crap about you but i did it cuz i was mad and you weren't there for me and stuff and i am truly sory for that,but what was you excuse for being such a bitch to me? before you went, i only asked you one thing, to see me..but it seemed like im the only one who wanted to see you and you could care less..and i feel like a loser cuz i was the only who try to make an effort that you didn't to see each other..tell me what have i never done to you that you would treat me the way you do? in my life, the only person who i have sacrifice everything and love the most is you but i guess i am stupid,cuz it is all a waste cuz everything i do is useless to you right..

you know what,i am not gonna make you feel bad or ask you to take me back but all i wanted is just a little appreciation and  a little respect from you..but what ever..maybe we are not meant to be together n maybe this drastic change is good for the both of us..good luck on find a replacement and i hope you have a happy and successful life..love you..